Only a couple of weeks ago I posted about how much I love my beautiful Cavalier, Lucy. Well... she has been taken away from me so sadly. I will paste what I wrote on the DOL forums about what happened.... Rest up my beautiful girl, until I meet you at the bridge where we can play with your tennis ball all day long.....
Im broken.
My heart is broken. No wait, its more than broken. Its been stolen. I gave it to Lucy when she became an Angel as I didnt want her to be alone. She carries my heart now wherever she goes so she knows im always with her.
As you are all aware, we moved on friday. Lucy was staying with Marc's parents for the first few nights until we had the house sorted. I was hoping we would be ready by monday, but the house was still a bit messy so we decided either tues or wed.
Yesterday afternoon Marcs dad came over to help install the doggy door and fix up some minor jobs around the house. Marc's mum then brought Lucy over as a suprise to say hi! She snuck her through the house as we were outside. Lucy bolted towards me when she saw me, I was so happy to see her!! She started to explore the house, sniffing and running around with that huge smile of hers. I smiled. It made me feel so happy.
Marc's mum was ready to go home to start dinner and take Lucy with her, but we wanted to see if she would go through the newly installed dog door. After about 5 mins of tempting her with treats, she got it down pat!! She was so happy chopping on her treats.. nom nom nom..
I was so proud of her.. she looked so happy! Anyway... I walked her and Marcs mum back to their car. Marc's dad was going to follow behind them in his car. Lucy sat in the front seat as I stood by the window and started to wave. Marc's mum started the car and did a U-Turn... I kept waving... and waving... she looked at me for the very last time as she turned the corner.If I had know that was going to be the last time I saw her alive, I would have grabbed her and not let her go
After both IL's left in seperate cars, Marc and I were about to leave to go get some takeaway as we have been doing the last couple of nights. I changed my pants and checked my hair in the mirror etc..
The phone rang.
Marc went to get it... I heard silence... Marc walked over to me as I was in the bathroom.... he had a blank look on his face... I scrunched my face as in to say 'what?'....
"Lucy's dead"... is what he said.
"what?... Marc dont say that"
"Its true.. shes been hit by a car"
At this stage my heart scrunched up and I fell to the floor, gasping for air. I had an anxiety attack.
I started to yell "TELL HER TO TAKE HER TO THE VET! SHES NOT DEAD!!'
Marc said that they were on their way. We got into the car and started to drive to the emergency vet. They only live 5 mins from both our places. In the car Marc told me that when his mum got home and put her car in the garage, she didnt put the rollar door back down and Lucy bolted out the car onto the street. Only a few seconds later, she would have been ok! But it HAD to happen at that time! Apprently she hit the side of the car? and the driver didnt stop, probably didnt even know she hit Lucy.
Lucy was crying and in a lot of distress, she couldnt hold her head up and couldnt breathe properly. My poor sweet girl. You never deserved this!!!!!!
Ive always been so careful with her on roads. Why!!!!!!?!?!?!!!!We got to the vet first... 2 mins later, Marcs parents arrived.. I ran to their car... MIL got out of the car, holding Lucy in a towel. I saw blood, lots of blood and I fell to the ground in tears. Marc held me.
They took her inside. I stayed in the car park. I couldnt breathe. After a couple of mins I thought to myself. Lucy needs me! So I ran inside and saw blood on her face, coming out from her eyes. I ran out again. I cant recall what happened next because I got lightheaded and almost passed out. The blood didnt disgust me, it was her state that scared me. I knew...my gut knew.. she had no hope at all.
Marc's mum came out and said they took her out the back. I walked in again and the receptionist wanted my details... I couldnt talk, Marc filled out a form. MIL came to me and had her arm around me, but I was cold and didnt look at her. I was shaking so bad.
The vet came out after two minutes. "Carla..? Come through..." We walked into a room......
She looked at me and told me that Lucy has extensive injuries, injuries that cannot be treated. Her spine was crushed. She was comatosed. The vet said there was nothing to be done but to put her to sleep.
She looked at me.. I shook my head "No!" balling my eyes out...
Marc looked at me.. they were all waiting for me... after a minute I thought to myself, I have to do this. Lucy needs to be free from pain, she needs to be at rest, she wouldnt want me to prolong her pain..
"Ok.."
"Ok?" the vet repeated...
"Ok..."
"Come through.."
I wasnt prepared for this moment.
There she was.. lyring on the table, in a towel, blood coming out of her eyes, mouth and even rectum. She obviously had internal bleeding.
"OH MY GOD!" I yelled
Marc signed the consent form for the euthanasia.
I held her paw.
The vet said that Lucy wouldnt know Im here, she was comatosed and wouldnt feel a thing.
But I held her paw, she knew I was there. I wasnt going to let her die alone
I started to say my farewells in my head. I told her how precious she was to me and how much happiness she brought me. I told her I was sorry for letting her down. When I picked her up the very first day, I told her that I would promise to look after her forever. I let her down. Im so sorry Luce. Im so so sorry
Marc didnt want to be there. He didnt want to watch but I begged him to. I couldnt do it alone. He stayed and hugged me from behind, gripping me tighly.
The vet tried to gain IV access but failed after 3 attempts.. she told me she would need to inject the drug straight into her heart. I said NO! She said that I would have to leave the room for that as it is not something I would want to witness.
I begged her.. "Please, try the jugular vein in her neck"... She looked at me.. "Ok.."
She got the needle in, and I saw blood, she was in the vein. Before she staryed to inject the drug I said "WAIT! are you 100% sure she wont make it!!??" "Im one hundred percent sure..."
She injected the drug... I gripped her paw in one hand and her body in the other. The image is still so vivid. I have been crying since the begining of this post, even more so now.
10-15 seconds later, she was gone. Her heart stopped, she took her very last breath. At that exact moment, her heart died, but she gained a new one, mine.
I could feel Marc's tears run down my the back of my neck.
The vet then asked what I wanted to do with her body, I opted for cremation, I didnt choose to keep her ashes. I dont think I could handle that. I couldnt bare the thought of her being cremated. I just want to blank that out from my memory.
Then the reality hit. She was gone. I balled my eyes out and walked out the room. I just walked outside like a zombie.
Marc's mum came up to me "Im so so sorry"... "I cant talk right now" and I got into the car. I didnt look at her in the eye.
We drove home.. on the way home we were coming down a hill, it was sunset. The sky looked beautiful looking over the gulf, orangey-yellow in colour.. I saw Lucy's face in the sky with that big smile of hers. She was in a safe place. I on the other hand, have lost my love, my baby girl, my little Luce
We got home and saw her toys scattered everywhere, her new bed I bought her, the treats I left out to give her when she was going through the doggy door and the tennis ball. The tennis ball she LOVED so DAMN MUCH!
she finally learnt to bring the ball back to my feet instead of 2 metres away when we played fetch She went mad over this ball.I held onto her collar and tag (her little bow tie) in my hands, gripped it so hard and layed on the bed, in the dark, holding Marc and crying together. Its over. Its all over.
I wanted to get online to tell you all but obviously couldnt as we dont have the net connected yet. I called Gretchen. I asked her to pass the news for me if she wanted to. Thank you so much darling.
I turned my phone off. I didnt want to face the world. We didnt end up having dinner. We started to pack some of Lucy's things away into the laundry cupboards as I wasnt ready to be faced with her possesions. I came across a photo of her. I broke down again.
Marc and I didnt talk much, we sat outside for a while and looked out into the night sky. We didnt have to say anything to eachother, we knew what we were both thinking and feeling.
Marc's dad called our home an hour or so after getting home to check up on us. Marc said that I wasnt good.
Marc and I tried to get to bed about 11pm. After more crying, I nodded off. Only to have a bad dream
In the dream, we took Lucy to a vet, the vet wanted to put her to sleep but I said no, I want a second opinion. So we picked her up and took her home. I felt her spine and it was intact, she just had swelling, but she didnt look too good.
I woke up and realised the dream wasnt true, she did die
I woke up a few times during the night and when reality hit me again, I cried. At 5am I couldnt get back to sleep... cried some more..
Penny rang in the morning and I cried again. Thank you sweet heart. I know all of you cant say much to help me right now, but to know you are all hurting too is helping me grieve.
I havent heard from MIL. I know she didnt intentially want this to happen, but I cant help but feel that she is to blame for her unattetiveness. She has had dogs for most of her life, I trusted her!!
I dont know what to do. Today it feels like a bad dream, Im still in denial! I turned my laptop on and there Lucy was, staring at me as my desktop wallpaper.
No words can explain how I feel right now. It hurts to know that a close friend's dog has died... but when its your own.. FAR OUT! You dont want to go there!
Not in this circumstance anyway! 9 months old and tragically hit by a car! How brutal! How FKN CRUEL! Now I feel numb. I hate myself. I let her down.
